"It feels like a part of me has been exposed and violated. I am frightened by how raw I feel, but even more terrified that he just scratched the surface. You see, I spend a lot of time keeping myself together. It takes a lot of energy to keep all of my emotions from spilling out, but the moment an emotion is triggered, my barrier has been penetrated and I am no longer responsible for what is said and what is done. However, when it is all said and done, I am overcome with regret. I cannot take it back. I cannot take it back. I have targeted for destruction, but in truth, I have only destroyed myself. Sorry is just a bandaid and too weak to close up my seams. I want to rewind time, but I cannot. There is a heaviness in my stomach as if someone has punched me and left the weight of their problems within me. It is so heavy, I cannot move. I want to lay down. I want to cry."
I wrote the above to describe how I have felt in the past during an argument with my loved one. Arguments leave us so vulnerable that we forget who we were trying to be. Arguments rip apart everything we have used to hold ourselves together. I am not speaking of the relationship. I am speaking of you. You walk around with a collection of emotional baggage that you have gathered throughout your lifetime. Each experience that triggers the emotional baggage, makes it stronger and heavier. You spend a lot of time trying to keep your baggage tidy, clean and packed away. However, as long as you are holding on to it, it will always threaten to burst open when poked the wrong way. There is an amazing gift on the other side of an argument if you can sit and reflect what triggered the emotion and why you are still holding on to the emotion. It takes work, but it is worth it.
An argument takes two sides. If words are thrown at you and you grab them, you have now started a tug of war. The two of you are pulling in two different directions, escalating the argument to another level. However, what if you were emotionally healthy and the words thrown at you are not important enough to grab. You let them fall because they are not yours to grab. They do not belong to you and you can be present enough to help your partner see why the words were thrown in your direction. This is moving in the direction of a healthy, loving relationship.
Until next time, I leave you In Love.
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